This morning, like many others lately, I have been trapped by overwhelm, stagnation, anxiety and by some hue of meaninglessness. Keeping my mind motivated to tiptoe toward success and progress has become more difficult. I’m beginning to understand that I lack constructive experience and internal legitimacy to embrace my own limitations, failures, and life it-self with all the good and the bad parts. I’m on the brink of emptiness and having no purpose. I’m afraid of the future and the harsh interrogations of my fragile self-confidence.
That is how sounds, feels and manifests crisis of a deep personal change to me and from the stories of others, to many of you. It’s clear, that at this stage of life, it is important not only to experience and anticipate the situation but also to share the feeling with others. Hoping, below thoughts will bring some relief to all of us.
Unpredictability absorbs key aspects of life and living becomes more and more unmanageable to me. I’m no longer sure what I want to do, where I want to go, what makes satisfied me and fulfills me. This unstable experience already lasts for some time. I feel defenseless to change this state of mind with a help of a progressive consumerist approach, which is the foundation of a modern western society.
I don’t know how to exist with the burden of heavy feeling. When strategies such us new goals, compensatory activities or purchases of new things are no longer working. Fear dominates me and it becomes clear to me – that a completely new courage to live is required.
The burden has been put on my shoulders by society and capitalism where appreciation and recognition is expressed for the growth, progress, and constant movement forward. Every stage of doubt or failure in general is encouraged for the replacement as swift as possible. These tendencies are expected by societal constructs such as: labor market, economic growth model, consumption, social appearance, and interactions with others as well family relationships.
There is no time allowed for internal conflicts, contemplating my limitations, or feelings of powerlessness. I feel that I have to find the way to deal with it by my self. Without any particular guidance. What makes this process not only harder but eventually longer and solitary.
My dominant western persona is adapted to live with the aspirations to have more, to be successful at work, and to achieve social status, to follow guidelines and emotions brought by social media and a society. With strong and captive arms of outside guiding motivators, every factual noncompliance act or an image of comparison is accompanied by the disappointment of still not matching view of myself. What sometimes brings pure frustration and time to time the motivation to act. Nevertheless, I dare to ask: When I will match that idealistic and fulfilling picture of self? And what will happen then?
and when, if not now?…
I feel that I don’t have any motivation left to act, when I am led by my adapting mask. It’s a harsh requirement to fit, live, act, to want and feel satisfaction, and to progress. It’s not suited for me but for the surreal vision of me, perfectly fitting in the surrounding. This kind of adaptation requires key sacrifice and it’s authentic me. Together, I am feeling scared and unsecured to do and act completely in other direction or simply not to act at all. As once again, this will be a big act of deviation from the judging and a never satisfied dominant part of me.
To make things even more complicated, such long lasting suppression of more complete sense of me, made almost impossible for me to get any inner feel and vision on how I could look for something real. Frequent questions to myself remain unanswered. Leaving me in the unpredictability for longer, with bigger doubts, fatigue and anxiety. I believe – I have reached a dead end, where my journey must be led by my own. Even if, I still cannot find my authenticity. At least two layers are required: real me and the cover of me, used till now. Hard work will begin with an assignment of legitimate places for both roles. Expecting them to collaborate and not to confront each other. However, how?
This heavy state of uncertainty will be my day to day experience. I really don’t want this lump of feelings to last long, but I do understand that there is no other option on the table except the suffering. That absorbs the mind daily in different forms and intensities. It stays with me regardless of my efforts to ignore it and compensate for it with different substitutes. It is not subordinate for positive thinking or constant changing goals driven attitude in the long run. It is hear now and will stay more or less visible until complete me will begin to take some shape.
Accepting the collapse of the existing image of the world and my personal relationship to it – is a very important stage. With a recognition of the current state the suffering the mind becomes lighter and more constructive. The understanding that the process will take it’s own time, also infuses calmness to the turbulent mind and heart. By thinking of these two parameters I could finally observe my own situation slightly from outside, not staying in it all the time.
Another important aspect is related with a long lasting suppression of authentic wishes, ways of actions and choices. This made me almost blind in my recognition of my other selves except the dominant persona, suited to full fill the needs of society. It’s taking quite a long time to understand and to hear myself. Even simple wishes are finding logical and pragmatic excuses to be pushed away. I’m beginning to write down or if possible to execute every intention from an inside, corresponding genuine but simple things. Such as, getting a meal or desert I really want, picking the movie to watch, going for a walk at the time I thought about it. I’m trying to stand by for my needs every time I sense them. With the hope, that this habit will open up more important authentic needs and someday, even a real calling.
Partially, this complicated state has been discussed by Erich Fromm in a book “The Art of Being”. He poses the conflict between being versus having. However, the book and others literatures are more as an encouragement to go the path, than a manual on how to deal with it.
My wish for all of us is to have patience for our journey out of the gray place. And reminder that the process might be long, frustrating, and accompanied by a very slow advancement.